A Single Rose

I can't tell you how excited I get when we get emails or letters
from any of you, or see new posts on this site. It is never too late
to say anything at all. If anyone understands how awkward it feels
and how hard it is to know what to say sometimes, we do. No apologies
needed. Any friend of Pamela's is a lifelong friend of ours. I will
always love to hear anything about what Pam meant to you in the past,
how her life or her passing is still ministering to you, something
silly she said or did, or even how you are still struggling with it
all as I still do some days. That's even a comfort sometimes to hear,
so dont be afraid to tell me that. I absolutely can identify with it.
Some days it is still so hard to deal with. Others are filled with
the joy she shared everyday with all of us. The first month was a
blur to me. I guess I was in shock because I can barely remember a
single day, the pain was so suffocating. The months have gotten
easier in most ways, but harder in others.

I would like to share some personal ways we kept Pamela in our
Christmas, if that's ok. When the McRae family (my family) had their
big get together, we had twelve small families represented in the
great big group. We had a table with photos of all those who had
passed on through the years, mainly grandparents, with Pamela being
the most recent and most tender loss of all. We had a dozen roses,
and after sharing a few words, each family group came forward and got
a rose from me as we hugged and cried, and they placed it in a vase by
Pam's photos. The photo above was shortly after that time. It was a
very therapeutic time for us all as a family, still reeling from
losing such a sweet and loving family member. Yes, we are the
parents, but there are so many people out there who are hurting right
along with us, and we love you all.

We also ordered ornaments for the tree at the big family get
together with each family member's name on an ornament, even those who
have passed on. Each person will hang theirs every year and family
members always will hang those for the ones who have passed on, and
add those who are new each year. This is one way we can forever
include those loved ones during our holidays.

We also shared some Pamela mementos with the family, and the
dvds that were made for us by Chris Breedlove at Gardner-Webb. We are
so grateful for those. I will never tire of seeing Pam's sweet
waterfall story, or her blowing that kiss in slow motion as she rode
in the homecoming parade last year. It makes me cry, but that's ok.
If any of you would like one of the dvds, let me know. We will gladly
share them.

Through the years, we always lit four candles at our kitchen
table at home when we ate or just sat around talking like we often do.
Pam always loved our candles. Now we still do that, but one candle
now is always an angel candle. We still lit the four all through the
holidays when eating or opening gifts or just sharing time together.
We had taken all but one of the roses from the family get together up
to the cemetery, but we kept a single rose at Pam's seat here in our
kitchen the whole time. It stayed beautiful for an amazingly long
time, for almost three weeks! In the living room, I also had to have
all of Pam's stuffed monkeys by the tree. :-) She would have done
that. I also have several angel nightlights around in different rooms
to shine brightly continuously in our midst as Pamela always did.

I have you guys to thank for the most special thing of all on
Christmas morning. I had cards and letters from many of you for Pam's
stocking, some written to me, some to Pam, to be opened on Christmas
morning. I could barely wait till then, but I did! I got up early
and read them all. How wonderfully sweet and touching those letters
were! I laughed and cried all at the same time. I will treasure them
forever, and will probably put them in her stocking again next year!
Thank you so very much!!

Sorry to be so long winded, but I thought you might be
interested in hearing more details about how we are doing these days.

I am still visiting the cemetery about every other day, and I
also spend time at the lake. Those geese know me now and come running
for their bread I always bring. The fountain was off last week,
probably for maintenance. Work is under way at the boiling springs.

The cemetery is really a peaceful and beautiful place to me.
The winter and colder days don't change that for me, thankfully.
Please feel free to sit there anytime, or bring anything there. I
often bring things to leave there, and try to take a fresh rose or two
often, sometimes big bunches of flowers. Sometimes we spread rose
petals all around. I can't help smiling when I hear the chimes in the
breeze there, or see all the birds that gather there, or see a note or
flower someone has left there. You wouldn't believe what makes you
happy at this point, Your entire "happiness" level is completely
changed. Things that you might not even notice or have time for in
the past all of a sudden are like gold to you. I notice ever little
butterfly that comes anywhere near the cemetery while there. I am
mesmerized watching the birds every day at Pam's bird feeder. I can
look around for hours at the posters and photos and things Pam wrote
and stuffed animals and all the fun things in Pam's room like I have
never seen any of them before, even though I do that often.

I listen to some of Pam's cds in the car over and over. If
you hear the thumping of loud music from a car going around Boiling
Springs, it just might be me listening to a kicking version of The
23rd Psalm that I listen to ever time I go to the cemetery. (It's
from Southeastern College when Matt Turbedsky was there. Great
music.!) I love to play it loud when they sing "...And I'm gonna
dwell in the house of the Lord forever ...''. Tremendous!
...Sigh... I can be happy and sad at the same time, and can cry and
laugh at the same time, and I will always always always miss Pamela so
terribly, but I also know where her heart was ... and is. As her
marker at the cemetery says, "I seek not to please myself, but Him who
sent me." John 5:30.

Lord, please continue to use Pamela as she would want to be
used by you forever. It was her greatest desire. And still is. For
those of us who will always love and miss Pamela, may we never stop
looking for ways we can help carry out those plans. Use us, too.
Please. We very much need and want that. Focus us.

To quote something from "Tennessee" by the group Arrested
Development ...."I know you're supposed to be my steering wheel, not
just my spare tire....." (Sorry. Sometimes songs stick in my head
better than scripture, sorry to admit. For some reason, this has been
playing in my head all day.) Pam did this instinctively. She gladly
let the Lord steer for her. The Lord was the center of her world.. the
first, not the last place she went for comfort, help, love, advice,
strength, courage, guidance, forgiveness and praise. I pray for that
dedication, that discipline. That loving spirit. I truly believe God
can do that in all our lives if we would only allow him to. That's the
amazing part. I often say if I could only have a fraction of that. ..
then I wonder why we settle for a fraction of it. Still learning,
obviously.

I thank you all for indulging me here and listening to a
mother trying to heal, and to learn, and to carry on. Thank you for
your continued prayers and support.

And as I always say, my sweet Pamela, your ministry is far
from over. As is our love for you. Both will be everlasting.

Betty Darnell